Nosy Lesbians

Dear Roger:

I have a problem in my office. One of my bosses is very nosy. She's always asking people what they did over the weekend, and if you happen to be a person who has a hot date, she is all over it! She has to get all the information - their name, age, profession etc. It is really annoying. I don't want to share my sex life with her, but she won't let up. I've even tried to keep the details out when she asks me. Like if she asks me what I did over the weekend, I can say "I saw a movie" and she'll ask with who! If I say "friends" she'll ask what friends. It's getting ridiculous. I understand as an over 50 lesbian, she doesn't do all that much with her life, but I don't want to share my personal life with everyone at the office. How do I stop her from asking so many personal questions?

Thanks,
Tired of Nosy Lesbians

Dear Tired,

Methinks thy boss's inclination towards prying has naught to do with her sexual proclivities. Some people be inherently nosy, and they shall be nosy whether they do dally with women or men or beasts. In other words, thy boss's sapphic tendencies art not to blame for thy current problem. Having said that, however, they shall be the grounds for thy solution.

Allow me to enlighten thee:

The lesbian woman, you see, ist abhorred of men. She findest them most foul in appearance and report. She should much prefer to pass hours in the company of a goat than to consort with a man. Merry, she should much prefer to be ravaged by a den of gnarwals than to even think of accepting the slap and tickle of a stout and ruddy fellow. The reasons for these most unnatural wonts are the subject of much debate, and I shall not attempt to settle the matter here. I will point out, however, that if thou considerest carefully, thou wilt discover that lesbians do generally answer to a certain set of a dozen or so names. These names do change from generation to generation, and there art, of course, exceptions. However, 'tis too constant to be mere coincidence. As I am but new to these times, I know not the current appelations most affixed to lesbians. I wilt state, however, that in my day a man having a ladywife called Judith, Meredith, Samantha, Joanna, Naomi, Elizabeth, Anne or Rogina was to be much pittied indeed.

For sooth, whilst I did dwell in the Virgina Colony, there wast a well-known band of lesbian natives who didst roam the land. They had relations not with the larger native population, nor with the peoples of the colony. I saw it not myself, but I didst hear tell that they ate only the flesh of men who they had kidnapp'd. Always being one for a challenge, I did one particularly wine-soaked night approach their encampment. 'Tis probable lucky for me they were not at home. But whilst rummaging about in their empty tepee, I didst see various personal chattles lying about--a bow and arrow, a comb, a tomahawk and a softball glove. On the glove wast writ the name "Judith."

Now again to thy predicament.

Though't may run quite counter to thy intuition, thou wilt only relieve thyself of thy boss's pestering by giving her exactly what she seeketh.

As I have gathered from the general tenor of thy query, thou art a most brazen and lascivious slut. I canst well understand why thou wouldst seek to keep secret the details of thy life spent on thy back. In this case, however, sharing in detail of thy various bodily exchanges will in the end be thy salvation.

'Tis quite simple. When thou returnest to thy workshop of a Monday morning, and thy boss inquirest what thou hast done at the week-end, fight thy nature as a lying strumpet and merely speaketh the truth.

For example: "I didst drinketh a goodly portion of gin my neighbor didst distill in his bathing tub. In short order I wast hence rendered quite literally blind for the duration of the night. Thus, I cannot say with accuracy how many men I didst welcome into my body, though I shouldst put the number somewhere between twenty and seventy."

Or: "I paid five American dollars to have a native man urinate upon my feet."

Or: "I helped to lance a boil on my brother's John Thomas."

Thou wilt immediately see a shift in demeanor in thy boss. She wilt attempt to smile at first, as if she ist not affected. However, her nature getting the better of her, she wilt excuse herself to some remove and vomit liberally. I should think two or three days of this process shouldst rid her of any desire to inquire upon thy doings.