In Love But Poor

Dear Rodger,

Christmas is coming, and I don't know what to get my girlfriend. I don't have very much money, but I would like to get her something special. Please help.

Sincerely,

In Love But Poor

Dear In Love But Poor,

One canst partake of many treats, wonders and spectacles during Christmastide. There be foods to delighteth every palate, songs of good cheer, strong wassail for the drinking and heavenly white snow to lay cover o'er the frozen ground. These blessings be great indeed, and we all shouldst give thanks for their bounty. However, once in every great while, a true Christmas miracle dost occur that proveth poor the more common joys we do so eagerly venerate.

Rejoice, for such a miracle hast befallen thee, In Love But Poor.

As fate would have it, I have just this day procured a trinket which methinks shouldst delighteth both thee and thy ladyfriend. It be both a glory to behold and a true bargain--even for a man of modest means. I hath here placed an image of said trinket for thy perusal. Thou canst see 'tis most brilliant, and yet for sooth the image dost but hint at the splendor it possesseth when thou gazeth upon it in true and close propinquity.

If thou canst believe't, I didst find this comely ring upon the street. In fact, 'twas trod upon by a vagrant man then runneth over by a motor carriage afore I couldst dart into the thoroughfare and seize it. The fact that it didst maintain its shape and most lovely sheen didst in that moment convince me of the providential nature of my discovery.

I wast not assured of what I might do with my newfound windfall. I thought I might perhaps offer it unto one of the strumpets who do nightly walk in various stages of undress through the more impecunious sections of my fair towne. It may indeed have fetched me more than a year's worth of slap and tickle, depending on the wretchedness of the wench I didst chose. However, as Christmastide is a season of giving and charitable pursuits, I see now that thou hast greater need of the ring than I.

For this reason I shall part withal for the meagre sum of one-thousand American dollars. Thou needest not thank me. The knowledge that thou and thy ladyfriend art truly happy in this holiday season ist all I shall need to be repaid. That and one-thousand American dollars.

Please do not hesitate to contact me regarding this most kind offer. For sooth, I do feel more than a bit mischevious, and doubt this treasure shouldst last long in the midst of the various and sundry whores about.