Porn

Hey,

I've been reading your blog for the past two weeks and I noticed a posted sketch by Mihály Zichy, a 19th century artist. So ... is that like hot futuristic porn to someone who died (or whatever) in the early 1600s?

What DID early settlers do (if anything) for porn?

--amateur art historian

Dear Historian,

I shall not bore thee with the particulars of how't came to pass, but I now find myself quite literally captive in my own home. The local magistrates have seen fit to confine me to these premises for a period of six weeks. Furthermore, they have affixed to my ankle a small machine that dost transmit over the air my exact location at any given moment. This machine canst also ascertain whether I have partaken of spirits or ale. My initial attempts to disable this device by unrinating upon it didst only serve to moisten my socks and offered no relief from it's tyranny. Thus, I am resigned to passing long and lonely hours with only the computer array for company.

Given my current lack of options in terms of entertainment, I hath become quite adept at maneuvering about the great electronic ocean. I am most amazed at the general zest and selection of carnal distractions one canst find. No matter a man's taste, he canst find images, moving and non, that do portray the very acts and scenarios that do most speak unto his desires.
I do consider myself a most learned and worldly fellow, and if thou hast read of these pages I believe thou wilt be inclined to agree. However, there be, to paraphrase that which The Bard himself didst say, things in heaven and earth that I hath never dreamt of in my philosophy.

Now, by way of example, I do find myself gazing upon a goodly page of smut entitled "The Long and Winding Road." I canst not say certainly, but it appeareth to me that this material ist directed towards those men who do derive enjoyment from the ritual viewing of what I understand to be called "colonoscopies" of wenches. Apparently, a moving picture array of very diminutive size ist passed into the hindquarters of a wench and doth record images of the tubes and workings therein. I gather this is done in the first place as a medical procedure to ascertain whether said wench ist great with child. It seemst to me the undertaking couldst be eschewed if only those who seek to answer this question didst employ a bit of patience and simply await the showing of the babe within the wench's belly. In any case, it appears that men do pay upwards of $30 American dollars monthly to view of these images. I be not one to begrudge a man his chosen vices. Yet, I canst not help but pose the query: How know they that these be the innards of strumpets and not men?

Needless to say, the titilating material (that which you call "porn") of my day wast not so specifically designed to one's individual tastes. Images of the type thou hast referenced were quite popular, as were carvings of stone and wood that didst depict wenches denuded, man and wench in full display of coital congress--and various and sundry other captivating scenes. However, these artifacts were quite costly, and the average yeoman didst not possesseth of the money to purchase of it. Thus, t'was the onus of every common man to furnish for himself the objects to which he might pleasure himself or merely gaze upon in succulent adoration. Given the poor learning of these persons, the artitic merit of these objects wast most lacking. Some were nothing more than a plank with a suggestive hole cut into't. Mounds of mud vaguely shaped as wenches were also most popular.

Most often men didst avail themselves of any salacious image that wast at there disposal. There wast hardly a women's piss stall in Londontown that didst not have myriad holes drilled within't for the viewing pleasure of whatever goodman might happen to be passing by. Hospitals for the insane were also locations for the congregating of men who wisht to catch a flash of breast of flank. Mad wenches, you see, being dispossesed of their right and canny minds, be disposed to rave wildly, shouting into the air and at brooms and cabinets that be nearby. The gowns of the insane being quite loose, 'twas most common that a wench, while amok, would nearly divest herself of all her garments.

I am open and most eager to learn of new and exciting outlets of carnal learning. If thou has a mind to pass on any information of this nature, please do so.