Thursday, December 3, 2009

Baseball

Dear Rodger,

I wonder if you can straighten out my confusion with regard to the baseball metaphor and sex. I mean, how do I know if I have gotten to third base? Second base? Also, what about lesbians? What is a home run for them? Do they play with the same rules? I always thought metaphors should help explain things, but this one only confuses me. Can you help?

Sincerely,
Confused Baserunner

Dear Baserunner,

Surely thou knowest, given the peculiarities of my age and origins, that I be not learned in the ways of baseball. And yet, I do understand why thou hast sought my counsel in this matter. Firstly, I am most expert in the ways of love. There be no need for further explanation or debate on this point. Secondly, with regard to the game of baseball, I am decidedly objective. I know not of it, and therefore I am a prime candidate to explain its metaphorical relation to lovemaking without the modern-day cultural biases that might otherwise vex he who seeks to lay bare the relation.

That said, in order to answer thy query 'twas necessary that I acquaint myself to some degree with the rudiments of the game. To this end, I hath sought the counsel of a ruddy goodman I didst encounter whilst holidaymaking in Florida. During said trip I didst have occasion to oft visit the oval 'round which dogs didst ramble, and where men in most colorful tunics didst lay wagers upon which of the mongrels wouldst complete the circuit with the greatest speed. The goodman I hath made mention of wast a fixture at the oval, and I didst share many a tankard of strong liquor and amiable chat with him. I be not conservative in matters of gaming, and hath lost my fair share of pounds in the pursuit of a goodly windfall. However, this man didst gamble with a gusto and depravity that didst shock even myself. When I asked how he didst avail himself of the cashfold he so casually squandered, he didst reply that he hadst at one time been a most successful and illustrious baseballer, and in his prime hath even bedded a most famous strumpet who calleth herself Madonna. I know not of this wench, but the sparkle that didst play upon his eyes whilst he did uttereth of her name leadeth me to believe she be, as the name might suggest, some sort of religious figure.

In any case, this man wast calleth Jose Canseco. Upon receiving thy query, I didst use the telephonic array to enlist his help in learning of the game of baseball. After some haggling, we didst agree that for five American dollars he wouldst teach unto me all he knew.

So, now that I hath armed myself with this knowledge, allow to be enlighten thee.

Firstly, 'tis my understanding that only men speaketh of reaching "bases" when they do frolic with a lusty lass--the exception here being the lesbians thou hast previously mentioned. Thus, I shall address the two in a separated fashion.

Here be the bases for men who do dally with women:

First base: First base hast been reached when thou hast shared a buss with a lass. This buss may be of the English, Spanish or French style. Busses of the Flemish, Frisian or Viking style denote that thou art engaged in a hardy game of football and thus it applieth not herewith.

Second base: Second base hast been reached when thou feelest of the breasts or buttocks of a wench. If thou needest both of thy hands to firmly hold the entirety of her bosom or arse, this be stronger stuff and dost signify third base.

Third base: Third base hast been reached when thou caresseth, with thy tongue or thy finger, the bearded cockel of a strumpet. Likewise, if she do wield thy staff with her hand, or place it within her gob or betwixt the crevace of her bosom, this be third base. Third base also hast been reached if thou inserteth within thy lass a loaf of bread or bottle of ale. An ear of corn ist considered second base.

Home run: A home run hath been achieved if thou dost penetrate with thy rod either the old hat or puckered hindmouth of thy lady. If thy lady plungeth a bowling pin within thy hindmouth, 'tis also a home run.

Here be the bases for women who do dally with women:

First base: First base hast been reached when one wench doth buy a flagon of ale for another wench after softball practice.

Second base: Second base hast been reached when the two lovers exchangeth compact discs containing the chanteys of the Indigo Girls.

Third base: Third base hast been reached when one strumpet do insert her hand into the other.

Home run: A home run hath been acheived when one strumpet do place her entire arm into the other.

'Tis my sincerest hope that this humble lesson hath been of use to thee. If there be one thing more joyous than the making of love, 'tis the boasting of it to any and all who wouldst listen. Having the right and proper tools and lexicon for said boasting is of utmost importance.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

There's nothing quite like reading about the bearded cockel of a strumpet. Thank you Internet!
--N. Marcus.

Anonymous said...

Very damn funny. I had no idear that corn cob insertion was only second base. I've been braggin in error lo these many years....

Lloyd Llewelyn