Saturday, November 28, 2009

Online Dating

Dear Rodger,

You're obviously a randy guy, so I just wanted to wish you the best of luck navigating this whole 21st century social networking scene via the Facebook and Adult Friend Finder silliness. Tip: If you meet a Tiffany from Ontario online (and she says she’s a tanning booth operator), hey, Tifany’s a dude, okay?

Signed,
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I’ll get an annulment

Dear Fool Me Once...,

Many thanks, my good fellow, for thy well wishes. I hath recevied many queries which do seek to know if I be encumbered with womanly company on a regular basis. I shouldst think that the better portion of these inquirers do merely wish to ascertain whether they might have a chance of joining me in my bed chamber one fine and heady night. None hath said thus explicitly, but I canst for sooth readeth between the lines. However, as 'tis possible that certain persons may only wish to avail themselves of the various stratagems I hath employed to acheive such great success as a lover, I shall most unselfishly share of my many wise pearls.

As any who hast read of these pages knoweth, I wast most supremely beloved by women (and occasionally men) in my past life. Thou wilt be much heartened to know that this success hath generally persisted into my new life in the brave new world of this 21st century. Of course, I hath had to learn unto myself new angles to follow whilst vying for the attention of wenches, and I shouldst think sharing of these experiences wilst be most helpful to those who do wish to follow suit.

When I wast first reinvigorated, I didst follow that same path I didst use to find much satisfaction previously. Namely, whilst I did walk about the village square of a fair day, I didst espy the lot of comely wenches in my vicinity and didst assigned unto them numbers. These numbers didst signify the order in which I shouldst like to bed said wenches. I canst not stress enough this next portion of my process: Thou must assign a number to EVERY wench in the square. Whilst at first blush't might seem untoward to consider the rooting of a woman who hath upwards of 80 years, once thou hast runeth through this exercise thou wilt see 'tis important to be thorough. I shall speak more to this subject forthwith.

Now, goest ye to thy number one wench and pincheth of her bottom whilst whispering some pithy and bewitching nothing into her ear. I didst most often employ "I likest thy crumpet, strumpet," and it didst work well for me. Thou wilt, through trial and error, find thy own fitting phrase.

Thou wilt know most quickly if the wench be game for thy staff. Simply readest of her face. If she doth smile, grin or blush, thou hast but to extend thy arm and lead her unto thy bedchamber. If she doth grimace, wince or strike thee, thou shouldst simply feign astonishment and mutter most earnestly, ""Zounds, mi'lady! I thoughtst thou wast mine own ladywife! A thousand pardons." Do not linger to learn if she hath accepted thy apology. Simply movest on to number 2 on thy list.


Repeat of this process until thou hast found a lusty and willing companion. 'Tis important to note that thou may very well reachest the bitter end of thy list before finding joy. Thus, as I hath said, includeth each and every wench about in thy initial littany. Thou might thinkst that thou woudst be better served to cleaneth of thy dwelling or arrangeth thy sock cabinet than to engage sexually with, say, a number 25 or 57. While 'tis true these wenches may be most old and/or gruesome, 'tis important to bear in mind that any living wench is good fodder for thy practice. It be mightily important to maintain thy stamina and technique, and ugly bitches be as good as princesses for this purpose.


I shouldst here note that I hath myself abandoned the process I hath just described. Whilst I do hold firm to its efficacy, in today's world it proveth difficult for me, for 'tis most hard for my mind to recognize that wenches may indeed be officers of the constabulary. 'Twas not so in my time, and thus I do often forget to first inquire of the strumpet of whom I pinch whether she be employed by the police. I hath been incarcerated four times on this score, and wish not to have this experience again. Methinks, though, that those who be natural born to this age wilst have no trouble identifying officers, and thus canst use of this technique without hinderance.

Now, since I hath been forced to take my trolling efforts indoors, as it were, I hath of late found new avenues to pursue. I was first upon my reawakening most reluctant to engage with the computer array which ist housed here in my domicile. Firstly, the scholars who do holdeth me captive thus do most waking hours employ't, and even if I were so inclined as to put it to use, my time wouldst be limited. Secondly, I hath seen the effect such great portions of time before the array hath wrought upon them. They be most scrawny and pale, and many blemishes to issue forth from there visages. Merry, I hath seen nary a one of them in the company of a winch. That said, I also knoweth they be not interested in manly companionship, for in the dull and wee hours I hath more than once spurred them toward a playful tussle to no avail.

Despite my inital misgiving, I hath slowly learned of the functions of the array, and hath employed it to make the acquaintance of many lasses. As many of them be far removed from my location, I hath not met the majority of them in the flesh. Of the three I hath met, two hath been, again, law officers. The other one wast a very comely and commanding woman of great stature and seductive eyes. Alas, she didst not wish to allow me entrance, but only that I wouldst tickle of her feet with a banana rind. I most eagerly complied with her request, thinking that it was but the prelude to a truly memorable night of deviance. Alas, after the rind did lose its slickness, she quickly left and said nary a word. 'Twas not the worst night I hath passed, but I must admitteth it didst leave me somewhat unsatisfied.

I am currently correspondence with a lass who liveth in a penal colony. I hath seen her image, and she be most desirable. Alas, she hath stated that we may not conjugate unless I take her as my ladywife--and then only once in each month. 'Tis tempting, but methinks 'tis too small a reward for the relinquishment of my freedom.

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