Amazons

Rodger,

Thank you for letting us ask you questions. I have a philosophical question for you. If God is created in Man's image, what does he use his Male Apparatus for?

Sincerely,
Constellation of Orion Star Gazer

Dear COOSG,

Thou shalt not findeth it within the rigid and most inexorable pages of the modern canon, but there doth exist a certain apocryphal tale which speaketh directly to thy query.

Allow me to enlighten thee with a bit of history.

There wast a period of time, occurring both during and around that which I do now call my "first life," wherein my native island didst share a most upheavious and desultory relationship with the Holy Church of Rome. According to the whims and machinations of whomsoever didst serve in the role of monarch, England didst regard itself as Catholic, then Protestant, then Catholic, then Protestant again. Whilst to royal personages and the aristocracy these designations were but political fashions to be worn like so many ruffled picadillies, the common persons of the country were truly befuddled, and didst wonder most earnestly to which church they should bind their allegiances, and as it doth follow, their immortal souls.

Sensing this general drift of confusion, those in the leadership of both churches didst seek to curry favor with the general populace, and therefore didst offer unto it that which they thought might sway affections in one direction or another. For example, for a time the Catholic church didst hold firm to the decree that swine, cow, fowl and poultry were indeed fish, and therefore couldst be eaten even during Lenten periods. In response, the Protestant church didst announce postehaste that all creatures were indeed fish, including humans. In this roundabout way they did seek to do away with not only prohibitions surrounding diet and Lenten comportment, but also those regarding incest, sodomy and cannibalism--among many others. ('Tis a most difficult path of thought to follow, but it seemst the thinking amongst church leadership wast that, as fishes are well known to engage in the most heretofore odious practice of eating of one another, and therefore most likely engageth in all other forms of deviant behavior, the human brand of fish couldst not be found at fault for doing but the same.)

Aside from the more corporeal brands of enticement the churches didst employee to woo potential parishioners, they didst also seek to bestow upon the people written material of a religious nature which wouldst spark their dramatic and often prurient imaginations. As 'twas deemed sacrilidgeous to alter the Holy Bible in any way, they didst add unto the apocrypha, which always didst and still doth dwell about the fringes of the church, matter which wouldst today be sold alongside the most common and salacious romances.

One such piece of writing wast the Book of Tim. The provenance of said book was never firmly established, though 'tis thought that perhaps Mr. Thomas Cromwell himself did pen't. In the book of Tim, there is a certain period of history detailed which is not among the accepted stories of the Bible. It beginneth with the creation of heaven and earth. This much be the same. But betwixt the genesis and the time of Adam and Eve, there wast a new and, in mine own mind, exciting tale.

The Book of Tim doth assert that before Adam and Eve there dwelt upon the earth a race of giant amazons. These amazons didst live among the steamy jungles and rivers of a now lost continent. As their name doth suggest, there wast no men among there numbers. and thus they hadst no means of replenishing the earth with their progeny. According to the Book of Tim, 'twas the duty of God himself to dally with these amazons and impregnate them. Furthermore, 'twas the rollicking and most physically aggressive nature of these dalliances that didst mark our fair earth with the landscape it doth now possess.

The relations betwixt God and the amazons didst sour when God didst learn of the homosexual practices of the amazons and the great skill with which they pleased one another. He found it not so much morally objectionable, but didst lament greatly and become enraged that he wast never invited to partake in the merriment.

Thus, the amazons didst die out, and after many eons and much reflection, God didst see fit to populate the earth with humankind.

Thus, thy question be answered.