Friday, November 27, 2009

Teef

Rodger,

Since you’ve been reanimated, have you been seen by a dentist? I know you Brits aren’t big on the whole “Brite Smile” thing, but for goodness sakes, I hope you’re not walking around with Austin Powers chompers—that is, if you have any teeth left . What did you guys do for teeth hygiene back in your time?

Signed,
The Tooth Fairy


Dear Tooth Fairy,

Though methinks thou dost jibe at my expense, I shall in good faith enlighten thee with a most earnest and helpful answer to thy query.

While from my recent understanding 'tis true that the persons of my native isle have become most deliquent in their habits of mouthly maintenance, 'twas not always the case. For sooth, the persons of England (I canst not speak here to the dental regimes of the savage and unwashed Scots and Welsh) were once much admired for the goodly and healthy sheen of their teeth. However, what now be desirable--a palate of glistening white--wast in my time seen as most hideous. To have one's teeth be black wast the height of sophistication and priviledge.

Allow me to explain:

In the England of my first life, sugar wast a most novel and highly sought commodity. In the fashion of the time, any person who couldst afford it didst add sugar to any and every foodstuff available--eggs, wine, cheese, meat, ale, bread, etc. Thus, any such person who didst have the resources to eat of sugar regularly didst quite rapidly experience a profound blackening of the teeth. And so it came to pass that black teeth were not seen, as they are today, as a sign of decrepitude, but as one of high and prosperous stature. It followeth then without need of explanation that poor and peasantly people who couldst not avail themselves of sugar didst nonetheless also seek to blacken their teeth with whatever means they didst have at hand. Soot wast particularly plentiful and goodly for this purpose. It didst tend to make one's mouth most rank and one's breath most unpleasant, but, as hast always been the case, beauty dost come at a high price.

When I wast first reinvigorated after my repose in the bog, my teeth didst appear in there natural brownish state. Thus, I didst immediately seek to besoot them. However, there being no stoves or chimneys in my current dwelling, I wast forced to useth of mud. My captors (the so-called scientists who do watch and monitor my every motion) were most aggreived and perplexed by the practice, and didst entreat me to halt forthwith. They didst explain to me the current trend and suggested I use of an unction calleth Crest White Strips. I didst placeth of these films upon my teeth, but they being most minty and refreshing, I didst eat them afore they couldst do their work. Thus, my teeth still be of a brown and undesirable hue. I am told I shall need a goodly sum of money to have a dentician placeth wee plates upon my teeth in order that they should be evermore white and glisteny. I am currently at work on a plan which should avail me of these funds.

I shall reporteth on that score afore long.

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