Just a Piece of Meat

Dear Rodger,

My wife is a passionate woman…and I’m thrilled, believe you me. The problem is that ever since I brought the video camera into the bedroom, she’s like a prima donna… she can only perform while the camera’s rolling. I know, I shouldn’t complain… but I’m beginning to feel like she prefers the camera to me. It’s crazy… I’m basically married to a porn star everyman’s dream come true… but sometimes it hurts when she treats me like an extra. How do I get her interested in me again?

Signed,

Just a piece of meat

Dear Just a Piece of Meat,

I hath made previous note amidst these pages that my departed ladywife, Susanna, didst in life display a most robust and corpulent carriage. Think ye of the goodly wench who doth appear occasionly upon the television array, Kirstie Allie. When I didst first clap eyes upon her, I didst swoon for thinking 'twas my dead wife come back to chasten me! 'Twas not, of course, but Susanna didst appear much the same. Whist this comparison may maketh thy mind turn most quickly away from thoughts of a sexual nature, 'tis not to sayeth that Susanna wast not herself lusty. For sooth, in her day, she be lusty indeed. Merry, though she hath been dead nigh on 400 years, I still do think on her when in solitude, or in the company of those persons who be drinking of coffee at the Starbucks in my street, I stroketh my flesh in a most vigorous manner. I do also think on her when on occasion I seeth walruses or gnarwals lolling about icy shores upon the Discovery Channel.

It may be of great surprise to thee, but I didst have a most similar and distressing problem with that same good ladywife of mine who I hath mentioned above. I need not sayeth that in such time as Susanna wast alive, we had not the picture muskets thou dost now employ to preserveth true and natural life. However, we didst have in the Virginia Colony a goodman nameth Lionel Newcombe, a blacksmith and circumcisor of boy children. For the pleasure of observing (and for sooth, any endeavor in which I be denuded is much pleasurable) a goodman and his ladywife in the midst of conjugal felicity, he wouldst in turn produce a most uncanny image of said congress. (I hath hear placed one such image I hath kept in my vestments and which hath survived the bog.)

Susanna wast bewitched with these images, and nay couldst not engage in goodly rodgering without the presence of Mr. Newcombe in our chambers. I didst become much aggreived. Mind you, I cared not about our audience. In matters of this type I be inclined to say "The More The Merrier." The heart of my complaint wast that, as Mr. Newcombe wast indeed a most true and illustrious artist, he didst require much of four hours to complete his work. In this time I didst grow much wearied of gazing upon my ladywife, who didst grow sweaty and rank after such time. My twig and berries didst become most chaffed, and my body general wearied under the strain.

Thanks be to God, my predicament was thus resolved when Mr. Newcombe wast killed by a savage native whose squaw he didst attempt to render in a drawing whilst she did squat and make water.

As for thee, my counsel is that ye do sell the images that ye and thy wife doth produce unto those men who have not wives or are too hideous of appearance to ensnare a comely wench. Whensoever thou dost see a goodly profit, thy wife wilst tire of the arrangement. Wenches be peculiar in that way.