Down and Out

Dear Rodger,

I have found myself in the most unfortunate position. I have lost my job and subsequently my home. My wife has left me and taken the kids with her. I am very much in love with her but feel that there is nothing I can do to win her back. My efforts to obtain employment have been fruitless and I am thinking of turning to alcohol or drugs to drown my sorrows. Any ideas on what I can do to win back my lovely lady?

Down and Out

Dear Down and Out,

I firstly do offer unto thee my deepest sympathies. My own Susanna didst abandon me many a time, and therefore I knowest there be nothing more vexing than a ladywife run amok. In their periods of wand'ring, errant wenches do seem to tappest into and avail themselves of the innately witchy and harpish skills they do all possess, but most often keep hid. For just as thou art relishing the sweet and licentious breeze of an unexpected second bachelorhood, thy ladywife senseth it and returnst forthwith, most usually having degraded from her already lowly state in both appearance and report. A most strange and eerie thing 'tis. It be almost as if she hath left for the express purpose that she might venture into the deepest woods and linger there with the runaway wenches of other villages, and that there they hath taken turns to beat upon each other with an ugly stick. Perhaps most distressing, when they do leaveth with children in tow, they do always returneth with children in tow. Couldst they not in their most lunatical truancy drowneth but one of them, or simply leaveth one in a particuarly dark copse as chum for bandits or gypsies? Be much encautioned, in fact, for I hath heard tell of wenches who didst flea with children numbering three and return with no less than five. The word hath now passed out of fashion, but these children who didst appear most mysteriously were calleth "amblekins." In my day there wast much scuttle that Queen Mary herself wast one.

Now, to thy query. 'Tis most strange to me that thou wishest thy wench to return. However, I do not judge. I am but here to humbly counsel as best I am able. Thus, doest thus:

First thou must securest a trade. As I hath here mentioned priorly, I wast borne into a great line of piss pot makers and sellers. 'Tis not a vocation for the faint of heart, but thou couldst do much worse. 'Tis but simple to maketh of the pots themselves. Any imbecile couldst do't. The true craft of the work doth come whenst thou must repairest a pot that hath been damaged. Thou wouldst be much surprised how the urinal stream of a man, if it hath been held for a goodly time, canst greatly bendeth even a stout pot of copper or tin. One boon of this trade is that thou canst watch from a secret and hidden remove whilst wenches do browse in thy shoppe and gander upon the pots there displayed. 'Tis most piquing to see how they squatteth over and testeth various pots for feel and comfort.

Second, thou must secure lodgings. 'Tis not the most desirous scenario in terms of thy health, but if thou movest into a village where plague hath recently wrought much suffering and death, thou canst find goodly bargains upon empty dwellings. Merry, if thou goest to a village wherein all those people who hath formerly dwelt hath been killed, thou canst chose any house that pleaseth ye and pay naught.

Third, confereth ye with thy ladywife's father. Considereth of this example: If thou didst make purchase of a goose from thy neighbor, and subsequently that goose didst develop a mighty distemper or refuseth to lay eggs, though wouldst seek counsel or remuneration from thy neighbor, wouldst thou not? 'Tis the same with wenches. As a goose doth pass from possession of one neighbor to another, so too does a wench pass from the chattel of her father to that of her husband. 'Tis much likely that when thy wench wast a but a lass, her father didst learn, through much trial and error, strategems that couldst make her behave with greater obedience and candor--strategems which thou hast not yet had enough hours to discover. Perchance he knoweth just the right amount of pressure with which to throttle her, or the type of broom with which to beat her upon the face and shoulders. If he knowest of these tricks not, it meanst that he hath spared the rod when thy wife was but young, and 'tis why she be now spoiled.
In this case, thou canst attempt to forceth him to pay monies unto thee for thy troubles. If he be poor and haveth no money, not all is lost. Asketh him to give unto thee another, better-tempered daugther, one younger and more comely, whose flesh be not stretched hither and yon by the kicking of babes within her.

By way of closing, rememberest this maxim tried and true: Be most careful of that for which thou hast wisht. Be ye sure that thou desireth thy ladwife's return. For while this counsel may indeed serve to furnish her homecoming, there be nothing thou canst do to make her leave again until it be in her mind to do so.