What's a Girl to Do

Dear Rodger,

A fair wench like myself has appreciated your steady and earnest counsel. I am faced with a dilemma. While I am not a loose woman, per se, I find myself physically attracted to various men, and desire them sexually. I do not care to be a loose or immoral woman, but alas, I am a human with basic needs. Your advice is appreciated.

Sincerely,

What's a Girl to Do


Dear What's a Girl to Do,

Unlike the greater portion of men in mine own time, I didst, and merry still most faithfully do, understandeth the need of wenches, just as men, to rid themselves of the sexual humours that do well up within them. For sooth, 'tis most dangerous that said humours shouldst become stagnant and fester. 'Tis this very condition that doth lead unto leprosy, and a great many other ailments that do plague and beleaguer both man and wench.

However, the mechanisms involved be greatly differing betwixt the sexes. Most men care not to learn themselves of these differences, for 'tis of no import to them. And as most wenches hath not availed themselves of even grammar school, and thus canst not readeth of the latest learnings concerning medicine and anatomy, they be much benighted concerning even their own bodily functionings.

As I be learned in all matters that doth concern bodies human, and most particulary those of wenches, alloweth me to enlighten thee.

Wenches haveth hell within their wombs. Merry, 'tis not hell proper, but a much shrunken and miniature version of that place where Lucifer doth dwell. And to that point, there be within this tiny hell also a wee and impish devil, a nephew to the aforementioned Prince of Darkness. He hath the name of Geoff. Geoff doth stoke the flames within a wench's womb. The measure of the stoking and the heat of the desire felt by the wench be directly proportionary to the sins said wench hath committed. Thus, the sisters of a priory or an aged spinster shall have but a meagre warmth within their loins, and with great ease they shall duly ignoreth it. However, when a wench be greatly prone to sin, she shall have within her an inferno that doth make her writhe with fits of passion and strumpetry. She canst only find relief of these flames by having them bedoused with the cooling seed of a man. When Geoff doth detect the presence of said seed, he doth repose for a time, content as he is that the wench hath been forced to supplicate herself to sin by lying with a man.

Here Geoff may choseth of two courses. If the wench be truly insatiable, and Geoff knoweth she shall seek again to be ridden in short order, he shall resume to stoke the flames and again renew the cycle of lust and sexuality. 'Tis a good thing unto Geoff, for he knoweth such a wench shall be eventually consigned to hell. If the wench be sated by her encounter and shall seeketh not another man quickly, Geoff be much vexed, and shall punish her by within her constructing a baby child.

In order to completh this lesson, I should here quickly relate of the functionings of man. Man hath heaven in his seed. His duty, charged upon him by God, is to but lieth with the greatest number of wench he can secure, and thus offer unto them some period of time, short though it may be, to be cooled of their desires. Thus they may have some brief respite to reverse the foul course that be their nature. 'Tis most unlikely, but God not only scorneth but pity wenches, and he offereth unto them man to lead them in paths of righteousness.

Now, to thy point.

Thou art most obviously a grievous sinner. If thou canst mend thy ways, make of a regular and most humble confession and otherwise curtail thy felonious undertakings--be they larceny, avarice or gluttony--thou canst have relief of the burning betwixt thy legs and perchance reacheth of paradise. However, I feeleth within my bowels that thou art most irredeemable and shall not venture unto this goodly path. Thou shall seeketh to continue upon the way of the wicked and take great and laborious pains to have thy choice disrupt not thy pleasurable pursuits.

Though it be much of an imposition to me, I shall here most generously offer my services to thee. I hath been known, and merry it couldst be corroborated by many an incorrigible slattern if they were but still alive, to cure wenches of their wanton sluttery. With but a single passing of my tongue about their nether beard or a mighty thrust of my manhood within them I canst cool their fires so that they might take repossession of their wits and seek a most honest of Godly path. I am much convinced I couldst plow thee into the nunnery. Simply cometh ye to my village and asketh for Rodger. All about do know me and my reputation.

Merry, comest thou to Virginia, so that thou mightst commeth in Virginia.