No More Patience for Saint Mary

Dear Rodger,

I’ve been married for 20 years. My husband has a strange habit that drives me crazy… he calls my naughty bits Saint Mary. I know I should have brought this up to my husband a long time ago, but, I was too shy at first, and then it seemed too late, and now here I am 20 years later and I just can’t take it anymore. If I hear “Lookout, St. Mary, I’m goin in!” one more time, I don’t think I can be responsible for what I might do to him. What should I do to get him to knock it off?

No More Patience for Saint Mary


Dear No More Patience for Saint Mary,

Thou shouldst take heart in the holy and beautiful nature of thy husband's name for thy old hat. The Virgin Mother is Queen Among Women, and thou must be possessed of a great gift to receive such an honor from they husband. Mightst thou have an image of thyself that I might gaze upon? I should be much enlightened on this subject and more able to offer my counsel if I might know intimately that of which I speak.

I had not yet seen a whale before crossing the western ocean to the new world. When I did espy this great and mammoth creature, I did henceforth fashion the name of "blowhole" for the part of my wife Susanna that I did most enjoy--as she was of a vast and ponderous constitution. Heretofore, I did call it "the oxlips", "shepherd's pie", or occasionally, "the red sea."

As thou canst discern, No More Patience For Saint Mary, in comparision, thy lot is rosy indeed. Thou shouldst give thanks to thy husband in profusion.