Latin or Greek?

Dear Sir,

What is your opinion--Should women be taught Latin or Greek?

Signed,
Concerned Gatekeeper of the Grammatical Verities

Dear GOTGV,

By way of preface, allow me to impart unto thee a pertinent matter regarding mine own history. Whilst it is manifest to any who do read of my words that I be a man of great learning and rhetorical graciousness, 'tis also true that I didst reach my current mastery of language whilst following a somewhat circuitous path. I have not learning in the traditional sense, you see. In fact, thou wilt be much shocked to learn I didst pass but only a fornight in grammar school. For upon the end of that short period I wast expelled for pissing into the stove that did serve as a means of heat for the schoolhouse in which my classmates and I didst learn. Mind ye, I did it not out of maliciousness or sheer obstinacy. 'Twas merely a jolly jibe I didst employ to rouse the spirits of my classmates, who were much beleaguered by the most uninspiring utterances of our schoolmaster. I wast then but 7 years of age, and as thou knowest, boys be transfixed by fire. 'Tis the same now as in my youth. 'Twas my aim but only to amaze my mates with the great crackling hiss that dost occur when thou squirteth upon a fire, and to dazzle them with the goodly clouds of steam that didst issueth forth.

However, as I hath said, I was but 7, and didst not take into consideration all pertinent variables . You see, 'twas the habit of my mother in those days to provideth unto her children a hearty charge of strong liquor of a cold winter morning. She didst believe, and I still be now inclined to agree, that drinking of spirits didst not only serve to warm and comfort a body, but to protect it from plague, cholera, dysentary and all manner of dis-ease which one was wont to encounter in Londontown. However, the particular morning of this incident I didst not only drinketh of mine own ration of liquor, but also didst unbeknownst to my mother steal and drink of the liquor of that portion of my siblings who were but babes and unable to voice any discernable complaint. Thus, whilst I didst feel most warm, comfortable and steeled against illness, my piss wast not far removed from kerosene.

Thou canst surely deduce how this tale doth end. Before the ashes of what had once been the schoolhouse didst settle, I wast whisked away from the home of my parents and forced to dwell for nigh on four years within the walls of Newgate Prison.

As thou canst imagine, whilst a wee lad in Newgate I didst suffer many hardships and indignities. They be too numerous to detail here. However, I didst also meeteth a man who would in these years become my mentor and boon companion. He wast called Father Samuel. He wast at one time a priest in the church of St. Mary Aldermanbury. Many years afore I didst meet him he was most unceremoniously defrocked and imprisoned for the offense of having spoken to his flock of the righteousness of the theses of Martin Luther. That, and he hath also trained those alterboys who didst serve under him to speak Spanish and dresseth in the manner of Katherine of Aragon.

With the guidance of Father Samuel, I didst not only avail myself of the right and goodly use of my mother tongue, but also the ancient and most learned languages of Latin and Greek. As Latin was, as it still is, used as the language of medicine, Father Samuel didst use my own body and the anatomy thereof to maketh goodly and very exacting examples. (I canst still feel the pinch of his fingers any time I do here uttered the word "scrotum.")

He didst teacheth me Greek by way of mathematical models wherein I didst measure various and sundry angles pertinent to our daily activities--namely, the circumference of my various holes in relation to that of his member. He wast a goodly instructor. Whensoever I might cry out, as I often did, he wouldst subtly remind that in this way the great masters of antiquity--Archimedes, Euclid, Pythagoras--didst also learneth of the motions of the heavens and earth. (And on the subject of learning, 'tis no mistake that the fraternal organizations of today's universities be called "Greek.")

Bearing all this in mind, methinks it be a good and right thing to teacheth ancient languages to wenches, but only if their teachers be their husbands. The details of the above account shouldst imparteth unto the why I believe this be the case.