I Prefer Sausage

Dear Rodger,

My boyfriend says our sex is too vanilla. He wants to bring in my best friend for a threesome. I said, “hey, why don’t we bring in YOUR best friend for a threesome?” He got all freaked out and said “I’m not gay!” to which I replied, “Well, I’m not either.” He seems to think girl-on-girl doesn’t make you a lesbian, but boy-on-boy action surely makes you a fag. How can that be? Haven’t we made any progress toward gender equality at all?

Signed, I prefer sausage


Dear I Prefer Sausage,

It is the right of every goodman, given by God Himself, to do unto his ladywife that which he so choseth. If he be inclined to ply her as an ox, it is well. If he doth further desire her to weareth the yoke of an ox while he doth ride upon her, it is also well. It is right and good that she should maketh the sound of an ox while said riding doth occur. In all else she should be silent. (Note thou well this last pronounce, I Prefer Sausage.) She should not speaketh of that which doth take place in her goodman's home. She should most especially and without exception tell not the village parson. Nor should she tell the village parson that her husband hath made great with child two or three of the native savage girls who doth gather near the village well to play and bathe.

A goodly number of my neighbors in the Virginia Colony, so aptly named for our frigid and unhappy Queen Bess, were of a puritanical dispostion. I did, on many occassions, exchangeth hot and angry words with said neighbors on the matter on "unnatural" couplings of men with men and women with women. I do not, methinks, needeth to impart on which side of the debate I did fall. It should be manifest, however, that I hath taken the argument, for am I here but resurrected, as Christ Himself, while they doth supplicate themselves as Lucifer's whores since such time as 400 years past.

Do as thy husband commands, I prefer sausage.