Single and Undressed

Dear Rodger,

I broke up with my boyfriend in a manner that has left him angry and in no mood to see me. But he still has a lot of my things in his apartment, including my favorite dress, and several "unmentionables." How do I get my things back?

- Single and Undressed

Dear Single and Undressed,

'Tis unwise for a wench of thy lax and dubious honor to possesseth vestments of a fancy and expensive nature. Prone as thou art to engageth in sexual congress with any man who doth cross thy path, then take thy leave and entereth back unto the street in various stages of undress, thou wilt surely afore long be possessed of nary a single slatternly frock with which to warm or otherwise cover thy ravished flesh. Thou shouldst maketh or purchaseth bodily furnitures of the cheapest and most plentiful materials thou canst find. Think ye of burlap or even tanned and ruddy parchment. This plan shall then haveth two express advantages. Firstly, thy poor and meagre apparel shall signal to any menfolk who be nearby that they may at once at without protest mount thy body and do unto it that whichever they so desireth. Secondly, these garments may be then ripped easily from thy body or otherwise tattered whenever thou havest the desire to lie on thy back and gazeth upon the ceilings of various and sundry bedchambers, and it shall be of no consequence to thee. Thou canst merely emptieth thy potatoes from their goodly sack and fashioneth a new coat for thy body even before thy loins hath cooled.

If thou art intent upon retrieving thy "unmentionables" from thy spurned lover, doest thus: Appear ye at his home in a manner most disheveled, taking care to cough much and expel goodly portions of phlegm and spittle from thy mouth. Impart unto him that through thy many dilliances thou hast contracted the plague. Further say unto him that the village physician hath decreed that thou must secureth and burneth all materials which hath contacted thy putrified flesh. As he is no doubt savvy to thy lusty nature, he shall be not incredulous. Nor wishing to fall victim to thy pestilence, he shall render unto thee thy garments forthwith.