Under Pressure

Dear Rodger,

I’m a handsome and charming business executive, and I could have all the women I want. However, I’m a married man. You could say I’ve slipped in the saddle a few times… but I always come home to my wife, me none the worse for wear, and she none the wiser. But things are getting complicated. For the past 2 months, I’ve been diddling my secretary (excuse me, executive assistant). In the heat of passion, I may have promised a promotion… one I’m not authorized to give. It’s been a few weeks, and I think she’s on to me… she’s making noises about telling my wife about us. I can’t have that, yet I can’t promote her either. Would I be a total dirtbag if I set her up to get fired?

Signed, Under Pressure

Dear Under Pressure,

In mine own day I didst hear a certain expression pass the lips of all manner of men--shopkeepers, innkeepers, lords of stately manners, aldermen, bailiffs, etcetera. I am much convinced it shall soundeth quaint to thy modern ears, but methinks it appropriate given thy recent indiscretions: Shitheth Not Where Thou Eatst. Alas, I fear this goodly counsel hast found thee too late, for thou hast already layeth great and steaming terds upon thine own worktable.

I see but one path thou canst now take. 'Tis sinister indeed, but I hath myself employed it to great success whenst I did impregnate a certain fishmonger's daughter, who hath in her motherly humours gone mad and didst make grievous threats that she might make known to both my wife and mistress my dalliances with her person.

Secure ye a smallish doll resembling thy village parson. Into it stick pins of various size and length. Carry said doll to the village parson and deliver it upon him with fanstastical tales of how thou had heard thy strumpet cast spells upon his head, and how thou didst see thy strumpet in congress with Lucifer of many a moonlit night in the woods. He shall be abhorred of it, and forthwith demand the seizure of the strumpet by the bailiff. Unless she hath family of high and illustrious rank, she shall burn within a fortnight.

And in future, be of a steady and incautioned disposition. Dally ye only with wenches who hath entered into thy realm illegally. Then thou canst make threats of banishment if she be mouthy and impetuous.