Palin

Dear Wise One,

Given your proven ability with twisting sentences and odd diction, could you please help me understand what Palin means in the quote below?

O'REILLY: Do you believe that you are smart enough, incisive enough, intellectual enough to handle the most powerful job in the world?

PALIN: I believe that I am because I have common sense and I have -- I believe the values that are reflective of so many other American values. And I believe that what Americans are seeking is not the elitism, the kind of a spineless -- a spinelessness that perhaps is made up for that with some kind of elite Ivy League education and a fat resume that's based on anything but hard work and private sector, free enterprise principles. Americans are -- could be seeking something like that in positive change in their leadership. I'm not saying that that has to be me.

Thank you,
A Non-Alaskan

Dear Non-Alaskan,

Thy query is most inspired and most timely. For just this noon, whilst I studied my television array, I didst clap eyes for the first time upon this Sarah Palin. It wouldst be of too small stuff to sayest only that my life hath changed. If I had here endless pages I couldst not come close to imparting the raging sea of emotion I didst feel in that moment. Thus, I shall not in prose attempt to touch't. I shall instead affix my fancy to the one instrument whose sole purpose ist to sayeth pointedly that which cannot be said with a million monotone utterings: Song.

For sooth, I take not lightly the task which I hath undertaken, and I hope thou wilt forgive the impetuous nature of my confession. But whilst I did gaze upon her, a fit of amorousness and betwitchment o'ercame me such as I hath never before felt, and in that feverish moment I didst see fit to most spontaneously pen this very ballad.

Nota Bene: Please be kind. 'Tis still but a work in much progress. Methinks it shall be sung to the tune of "Lo, How a Rose Ere Blooming." However, if thou findest the meter be not quite right, tryest ye "Hello" by the minstrel Lionel Ritchie. I hath heard Master Ritchie sing of this lament o'er the musical array of my neighbor. 'Twas a most remarkable experience, for it did raiseth in me at once the twin desires to both weep and vomit. Thus, 'tis most fitting, as I didst feel much the same upon first seeing the fair wench Palin.

What, ho!
Sarah be my true love's name

She dost carry the name of a Jewess,
Yet hath the mane of a French courtesan,
Who being most dainty and upright in public,
Wilst consent to and relish any act, natural or un,
thou wishest to perform upon her.

Her bespectacled visage also calleth to mind a Jew,
But an old man-Jew, who wilt not part with a shilling,
Just as she wilt not part with my heart.

Oh, how her mouth be a bow!
Would that I couldst untie't!
How I should swoon that I might then re-tie
It round that part of me which doth ache
Most for her.

And finally I would to be a great moose,
Who being shot and kill'd by her dost
Repose upon her stately table
While she eateth of him.

Eateth of me, Sister Sarah.
Eatheth of me!

I am but sure thou hath many questions regarding this fair work of art. And I am doubly sure thou wishest to heap plaudits upon me for being the progenitor of such a beauteous and powerful effort. However, to applaud or explicate this masterpiece any further than what God hath already made manifest in its nature would be to dash the reason for penning it in the first instance. Thus, I shall leave it there. And there I shall leave it thus.

Now, to the point: For aught that I can tell, Mistress Sarah do speaketh gibberish--even taking into account the lowly standard to which the Queen's English hath of late sunk. And yet it appeareth as though she hath penned a book of goodly size. I'm am much perplexed as to the matter of this book. I didst try most vigorously to deduced this from her speaking, but wast left stymied by the effort. 'Tis a sad thing, yet goodly in a way. As I hath not the knowledge of the true wisdom the tome doth hold, I be free to invent it for myself.

Thus, I shall chose to imagine it containeth images showing fair Sarah in various stages of undress--perhaps posing in a modern swimming costume whilst bearing a musket. I know: 'tis a most fanciful and far-fetched ideation. But 'tis mine own.